This past week Wesley and I had one of those arguments that wasn’t REALLYYYY an argument. You know the kind of short answers, long pauses, both of us moving around each other like we’re fine… but the air is heavy. It started over something dumb like who forgot to grab wipes before leaving to go out. But underneath it, there was something else. For me, it was feeling unseen. For him, it was feeling unappreciated. The argument was just the mask and what was really underneath was two tired people quietly asking, “Do you still see me, and still love me in all of this?”
Those types of arguments (if you would even call it that) aren’t “fixed” with an apology. Typically, we just give each other space. Later that night, when all the kids were down, we sat down and just talked. I think both of us have multiple moments throughout the day where we miss each other, our old relationship, who we were, all of that. But it was nice to understand that the tension we were feeling wasn’t about the thing we were arguing about at all. It was about the needing to feel connected again.
Thursday morning, I actually woke up early, which never happens, and ran to Dunkin so I could start my day with my favorite iced coffee. I was so proud of myself for being up before the kids and having a little peace and quiet in the car. On the drive home, I was already planning how productive I was going to be.
I got home, the kids were awake, and the house was alive again. Cartoons blaring, toys everywhere, chaos in full swing. My coffee was sitting safely on the counter, looking perfect. About an hour later, I went upstairs to switch laundry, and when I came back down it was gone. Not a drop. Not even the cup.
After a small panic, I found it in the play kitchen, sitting next to a plastic hot dog and a sippy cup. Apparently, Selah decided it was soup for her restaurant. I just stood there staring at my Dunkin cup full of tiny spoons and plastic fruit, questioning every life choice that led to this moment.
Motherhood really is just buying yourself a treat and letting someone under three make it better.
MOM’S QUESTION:
“I love my kids, but lately I feel like I don’t even recognize myself anymore. How do you find ‘you’ again after becoming a mom?”
— Sarah, mom of 2 under 3 (Sarah is an alias name)
CANDACE’S REPLY:
I have 100% been there Sarah… Being a mom can feel like it just swallows every part of who you were before. And while it’s not always easy to see, the truth is, you are not LOST… just maybe have changed shapes. You are still YOU, but you have stretched in every single direction. Emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally. The parts of you that used to show up in one way now show up through your kids, your home, your patience, your care. Sarah’s not gone, she’s just evolved. And this next season I challenge you to reintroduce yourself to her, take care of her, make time for her. The hardest part for me has been taking time to actually be myself. My husband sometimes has to force me to go hang out with my sisters, get my nails done, and find hobbies. Your kids are a huge part of your world… but remember, you’re a huge part of theirs. The better space you’re mentally, emotionally, and physically… the better you can show up for them. Hope this helps!
If you’ve got something on your heart, whether it’s parenting, marriage, friendships, or just life, send your question to [email protected] and I might feature it in an upcoming issue.
I have recently been using this app I found called BABA, it’s basically an app where it recommends you healthy meals for your kid, and even gives you an InstaCart checkout link with all the ingredients needed:
TAP HERE TO TRY IT OUT!
If you’re new here, hit reply and tell me what season of mom life you’re in right now. The wild toddler stage, new baby life, or somewhere in between. I read every message and would truly love to hear from you.
Thanks for being here. I can’t wait to grow this little corner of the internet with you, one story, one moment, one cup of coffee at a time.
Love,
Candace
@candacenysm